A week ago Monday (7-11-11) we went in for our 8 week/4 day ultrasound. As we sat waiting for Dr. B to come in T & I talked about how we both had a "good" feeling about what we were about to see...we were so excited to see Baby "Hardy". After, a few minutes (of which felt like eternity) Dr. B came in along with her nurse. She began the ultrasound and right away Baby "H" popped up on the screen...at first sight we were over the top excited, Baby "H" had grown leaps & bounds & looked just like all the other 8-9 week baby ultrasound pics. My excitement faded fast when the nurse slipped out & I looked up at Dr. B's face. There was no smile, but yet a look of total concern...a few seconds later she said, "I don't like what I'm seeing" & our hearts sank. She went on to tell us that the baby had grown, but the heart was not beating. I just kept starring at the screen praying for it to start beating as the tears began to flow.
Dr. B talked with us for a long while, explaining that she doesn't have an answer as to why this happened. It could be due to our infertility issues or it could have just happened...there's no way of confirming why. She was entirely genuine as she talked & consoled us. She told us that she had been through two miscarriages herself and that she wishes there was something she could do or say to make it better, but she understands our heartbreak. Thomas asked her what do we do now & she explained our options. We could either have surgery or she would give us two weeks for it to happen naturally...it was entirely up to us. She also explained that she's a doctor & science is what she knows, but more importantly she has a heart too, so she would understand if we wanted another ultrasound later. As we walked out & drove home I couldn't control the tears as my emotions did flips from frustration, to sadness, to anger.
Later, that morning we called Dr. B to schedule surgery. There was no way that I could handle the thought of knowing that it could happen at anytime & even more so, there was no way that I could take seeing it. Dr. B was incredibly nice about everything, called us back personally & scheduled the surgery for the next morning: 7-12-11 (I'll never forget that date).
We had to be at the hospital at 6:00am for pre-op and the surgery was set for 7:30. They got my I.V. started and we waited for them to come take me to the operating room...I began to panic...Dr. B promised me another ultrasound to double-check, but what if they put me out before I see her. They came and took me back, but Dr. B rushed in and told them not to put me under yet, she grabbed my hand and asked if I wanted to see the baby again. I'll never forget the sight of our precious baby for the last time....Dr. B held my hand as we looked & again saw no heartbeat...I will be forever thankful to her for that last visual image of our little baby....I just wish "T" could have seen too.
I woke up in recovery & a couple hours later we were on our way home. Leaving the hospital, getting in the car, & driving away without our baby was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my entire life...as I cried Thomas told me that we can't think of it like that because that isn't what happened. We didn't leave without our baby, but we set him/her free to go to heaven. My husband is one amazing man & always knows what to do/what to say...he's exactly right...Baby Hardy is livin it up in the greatest of places!
This last week & a half has been incredibly difficult....hands down the toughest time of my life yet. Losing our baby paired with another failed IVF cycle, no more insurance assistance, no frozen embryos, & no plan equals a level of frustration that is indescribable. Our hearts are broken. We are holding tight to our faith & know that God will pull us through...we still have hope and haven't given up to one day have our miracle in our arms for the very first time.
